Letting go

This year (so far) is shaping up the be the year of letting go. The practice of non-attachment is basically the bread-and-butter of any thoughtful yogini, so why am I just (re)learning this lesson? Well, situations change and we can change, too, or we can get stuck. Apparently, I've been stuck!

My spiritual practice (of which yoga is a vital part) has for many years revolved around recognizing that attachment and, more importantly, attachment to outcomes cause us misery.

So, it seems I struggle most with placing expectations on my students...in other words, being attached to, what I think, is the appropriate outcome of my work as a teacher. There, I admit it. I show up, I teach my class, and I try to give my all each time. And I expect the same of my students. Come, participate, give it your all, and, by golly, show some improvement!

Doesn't really that seem all that harmful UNTIL a student falls short of those unattainably high expectations. For me, it was a student that was training to be a teacher. I had taken her under my wing (whether she knew it or not) and was placing unreasonably high expectations on her development as a teacher, and on her expression of yoga. In other words, I was so caught up in what I thought were the appropriate expressions of her practice that I neglected to consider that 1) I had no right to do this and 2) everyone has a right to journey according to their needs.

So, you guessed it, this student let me down. Big time. Not only was I disappointed, I felt personally betrayed! "How could she behave so un-yogically!" I thought to myself. The situation was complicated and I'll spare you the gory details, but essentially it came down to some behaviors that IN MY MIND constituted a blatant disregard for the yogic path of honesty, commitment, and discipline. Regardless of her intentions or of my expectations, the outcome (on my end) was the same: attachment equals mucho misery.

My choice in refusing to let go of my expectations for this student yielded a big aching heart. And I'd like to think that I've (finally) re-learned this lesson: albeit, the hard way. The daily challenge remains though: remembering that what I do on the mat, in the studio, at my classes, is my work. It's what I put into the world with my whole heart; BUT once it's out there, it no longer belongs to me. I have to let go of that effort, live my dharma, and allow others to live theirs. Whether I agree with it or not.